Reflections

Now that the new year has begun, and I've started getting back into the typical daily routine for my house, I've found time to take a look at the past year. This year has held many struggles as well as successes, and I believe it will do well for me to take time to reflect on the accomplishments (and mistakes) that have occurred in the past twelve months. 

The first thing of importance that happened, and the one which brought me to this blog is simple: I recognized my desire to become more creative. In February of last year, I once again realized my passion for writing. It had always been on the back burner of my mind, but until this point, I hadn’t really done anything to pursue the desire. That day in February, I wrote a little article as I sat by my window, watching the rain pour down. I didn’t realize at the time that it had been the first of many quiet moments of writing throughout the year, and it also became the first post on my blog page. I will be the first to point out that my posts have been somewhat lacking in both quantity and quality, but that is neither here nor there at this point. I believe that it is a huge victory for me that I have even created or posted on a blog in the first place.

Over the course of the next few weeks after beginning my blog, I was reading posts on another blog that I follow. I began making changes to simplify my life and my home. I had been reading up on the topic of simple living, and it stuck with me. I started going through all the items in our apartment, and began the processing of purging the things that I didn’t think were necessary for our life. It is amazing how so many things can find their way into our little home. I have maintained the process of purging throughout the year, slowly but steadily removing items from drawers, cabinets, closets, shelves, boxes, etc. and donating them to our local thrift shop. It has been a very freeing experience. I can now look around our home and breathe a bit more freely, because there isn’t so much stuff everywhere. The things that I have chosen to keep are the ones that I truly love, or items that I know are useful to us. I have become much more intentional about the material items I keep, and I fully intend to stick to it. (Coffee and a Typewriter is the name of the blog. I am shamelessly advertising for it, since it was the kindling that stoked my desire to write again, and was also the inspiration for creating my own blog. Not to mention the woman who writes it is a personal friend of mine.)

This idea of purging has recently spread from being just physical possessions to also encompassing other less tangible things as well. I have become more intentional about my lifestyle, as well. I am learning to choose more carefully how I spend my time, who I spend that time with, the things that I allow to occupy space in my mind and thoughts. Instead of allowing just anything to stress or worry me, I’ve been working hard on filtering the things that I once would have stressed out about without a second thought. This has led to a happier version of myself, and has allowed for happier times with my hubby, as well. A less stressed wife often equals a more peaceful home for both of us. In the coming year, I hope to continue this process of purging unnecessary things from my life.

As I purged items from my closet, I began weeding through and organizing my craft supplies as well. Once I had made more space for the important things I had left, I was able to start devoting more time to another of my hobbies: jewelry making. I have always enjoyed making necklaces and bracelets, and now that I had more time and space for it, my interest in the activity was renewed.

I opened up a store on Etsy, thinking that it would be fun to make some money by doing something I enjoyed. I admit, I haven’t figured out a successful way of running the store, and haven’t sold many items, but some of my time during this coming year will be devoted to building up my store and encouraging more sales. I also have developed an interest in making my own lotions, body scrub, lip balm, and possibly even deodorant in the future. Once I have my jewelry making running smoothly, I’ll begin experimenting with some of the body products that interest me.

In May, my Aunt Stefanie passed away. She developed sever complications and organ failure from decades of alcoholism. Despite the issues this caused with her husband and extended family members, she remained a devoted and enthusiastic mother to my two cousins. In their entire lives, she never missed a single game that her sons participated in, and she never allowed her dependence on alcohol to interfere with her role as their mother. I drove up to Washington with my father and sister to attend her funeral, and spend some time with the family there. It was a sad reunion, but it was still a good week of family time.

In July, Jorel was hospitalized for two days, due to diabetes complications. He’s had diabetes since 2001, and as much as it frustrates me, he has never taken the condition seriously. This time, we went to the hospital for a foot ulcer that was worsening, despite his previous round of antibiotics. We went to the ER, and once the doctors got the full picture of the situation, they immediately decided to admit him. When they admitted him, the situation couldn’t have been much worse than it already was. His blood sugar was sky high, allowing the infection to run rampant despite the antibiotics. Over the next two days, the staff was able to bring his blood sugar back down to a healthy and manageable level, and we discovered that while the sores were bad, they weren’t to the point of amputation…yet.

Jorel was released to come home on July 4^th, and the following day was the start of a very different health regimen. It was made clear to the both of us that if Jorel didn’t change his habits, he wouldn’t be able to avoid the hospital for very long. And for myself, I knew that I needed to make changes as well. I don’t have diabetes, or any other chronic condition, thankfully. But I’ve known for some time now that I have extra pounds that aren’t doing me any good, and they need to be gone. We began making the changes that we both needed, which thankfully were very similar to each other’s needs. More veggies, less carbs, more whole grains, less processed foods. A more responsible approach to his blood sugars was also crucial, and was implemented through the use of a new (and extremely successful) insulin routine. There have been some bad days still, and we are still making mistakes and learning from them. The addition of exercise into our schedules has been the biggest obstacle, but with some extra motivation and dedication, it will become easier throughout the coming year.

A month later we had our next big development for the year: My father moved out. Through a series of complex and depressing events in 2012, my father came to be living with Jorel and I in our one bedroom apartment. What had started out as a transition period of 2 weeks while he found another place to move into turned into 2 ½ years of him living on our couch. While we tried constantly to help him get into his own place, nothing we did worked. It was the most stressful and difficult time of my life so far, and I’m still not sure how I managed to come out of it with my relationships (both with my husband and my father) in tact.

After weeks of seeking wisdom and prayerful consideration, Jorel and I had decided to set a firm date for my father to move out, regardless of him having another place to go. I know it sounds harsh. I vacillated with myself for a long time before finally agreeing to the decision. In reality, my father had become too comfortable with living on my couch, and had given up trying to get his own place. Jorel and I had gotten married in the time that my father was living with us, and we desperately needed our own space. The date was decided, and even though my father was unhappy about it, he did leave, and in time, he has come to understand the necessity of the decision. Now, Jorel and I can finally experience what it’s like to be married, without having to work around another person living with us.

In September, my family’s dog was laid to rest. Tessie had been with my family for 14 years, and she was easily the best dog I’ve ever met. She was a black and white Boston Terrier, and she was the smartest, most loyal dog. Around April I discovered an unusual lump on her forehead, above her eye. We later figured out that it was a tumor, and it was growing and spreading steadily for several months. My family gathered to decide what to do for her, and we knew that this was only the first of potentially many health complications that she would soon encounter, due to her age. Since the tumor wasn’t hurting her, we finally decided to allow her the best life we could give, for however long she lasted.

She did well for another three months, until she took a turn for the worse. The tumor began pressing against her nasal passage, making it difficult for her to breathe; the tumor turned from a smooth lump under the skin to open sores that wouldn’t heal; she became lethargic, and stopped playing with our other dog; she began losing weight, despite still eating normally, and then she stopped eating, as well; she couldn’t sleep comfortably anymore, because of the pressures on her bones. I was the one caring for her, and it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to watch her wither away. I gathered the family once more, and told them that it was time for us to say goodbye. We all went with her when the day came. She passed quickly and easily, her last moments were the most restful sleep she’d had in months. While I do miss her terribly some days, I feel like a weight has been lifted, knowing that she is no longer suffering any longer. And in the future, I know I will one day own another Boston Terrier.

On a happier note: Over the course of the year I joined two ministries within my church. In another post earlier in the year, I talked about my reservations to help in the toddler class, and then later being told that I was needed in the nursery instead. Well I worked in the nursery for several months before being asked again to work in the toddler class. They were short staffed due to some women being on maternity leave, and they needed me to switch with a friend of mine so that she could be in the nursery with her baby during her days of volunteering. This time, I was much less hesitant about helping, since I had already become familiar with the people and the kids in our church, and I was more willing to give my concerns to God. I’ve been working in the toddler class for a few months now, and it’s not nearly as bad as I had thought it would be. I actually enjoy it a lot, and I’m glad I stepped out of my comfort zone. I have also agreed to help with the cleaning team, to help clean and prepare the building before each Sunday service. I haven’t been scheduled yet, but I know that the duties will be similar to what I already due at home. Along with volunteering to help at the church, I’ve also begun to develop a network of friends and mentors within our church family. There are some amazing people in my church, and through God’s provision I have been able to develop friendships with several women who have been helping me to grow. Jorel also, has been making friends and started a mentorship with one of the husbands of one of my friends. I am so thankful for the church family that we have, and I’m hoping that the coming year will only expand the friendships that we’ve already built.

This past November was a busy one for Jorel and I. It was our 1-year anniversary. The year flew by so quickly that I didn’t even realize it was our anniversary until a few days beforehand. We had an unusual first year of marriage. My father was living with us for the first 10 months, which really put a damper on the whole newlywed-feeling. Luckily, Jorel and I had a couple months to ourselves after my dad moved out, so we were able to enjoy that short time as newlyweds before our anniversary came. We celebrated our anniversary by taking a weeklong vacation in Washington during the week of Thanksgiving, to take advantage of the school holiday at Jorel’s work.

While Jorel and I were in Washington, we visited Seattle, to explore the city a bit, and to visit the University of Washington, my potential future home. We’ve talked of moving to Washington for a few years now, always in the abstract sense without having solid dates or plans for how to accomplish the move. I decided long ago that I wanted to pursue a degree in Oceanography and Marine Biology, and I wanted to achieve those degrees at the UofW. It made sense, since I wanted to move there anyways, and they also happen to have one of the best Oceanography programs available. This trip was the deciding factor for me, allowing me to finally see the city and the school that I had dreamed of for so long. We are still trying to pin down the details for moving, and trying to figure out Jorel’s next career goals. But we now know for sure that-God willing-we will be moving to Washington.

Throughout the entire month of November, I participated in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). National Novel Writing Month has a dedicated website (NaNoWriMo.org) that works to encourage young people to begin writing, and works to educate people on the importance of expressing creativity through writing. The website issues a challenge during the month of November to anyone who wishes to participate: Join the millions of people in the US who partake in the challenge each year, and work throughout the month to write a novel that spans over 50,000 words in length. The novel is supposed to be of your own creation, and you cannot have begun writing the novel before November 1^st. I have participated in NaNoWriMo for several years now, but this was the first year in which I would be working on a brand new novel, and writing without any previous work being done on the project. I managed to write about 35,000 words before the deadline, which was an impressive victory for me. I continued working on my project and I managed to complete the 50,000-word goal within the week following the end of the contest. While I didn’t ‘win’ the contest, I did realize that I have a surprising amount of creativity, more than I had previously assumed. I am still working on the novel, and while I don’t think I will ever publish it, I do intend to finish it, and keep it as a personal reminder that I can accomplish such a monumental project.

And to finish off the year, on the morning of January 1st, I received a call from my father, informing me of the passing of another family member. Richard, my second cousin-my father's first cousin-passed away on New Year's Eve. The cause of death was unknown at the time, and I have yet to hear anything else about it so far. I had just seen Richard in November. He was a smoker and a drinker, and quite overweight, but he seemed to still be in good health. He was two years younger than my father, so his passing was definitely a surprise. It seems that  my family couldn't go into the new year without a new loss weighing on our shoulders.

This past year has been full of sadness and difficulties, but it has been just as full of happiness and personal achievements. I will miss those I've lost, that is certain. But I will still celebrate the small victories of my everyday life, and I will continue striving towards growth and living each day to the fullest, to make sure that my life will have meant something.

"I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me." Psalm 13:5-6

Up next: Resolutions for 2015

Chicken Enchilada Casserole

I've decided to start adding recipes to my blog, in the hopes of expanding not only my number of posts, but also the topics that I write about, and I'm hoping that this will also in time expand my desire to start writing again. So here's the first of hopefully many recipes I include.  This particular recipe I received from my grandmother several years ago, and it has become one of my family's favorites. I hope you enjoy it, as well. Bon appetit!

Chicken Enchilada Casserole

2 cans cream of chicken soup
1 can diced green chiles
2 medium-large chicken breast
1 cup milk or milk alternative (I use unsweetened soy milk)
1 1/2 cups shredded cheese (I like medium cheddar or pepper jack)
12-15 corn tortillas, cut in half

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cut the chicken breast into bite-sized pieces. Saute in a skillet to cook, using just a tiny bit of oil to keep the chicken from sticking to the skillet. Cook thoroughly. Add green chiles, cream of chicken soup, milk, and about 1/4 cup of the shredded cheese into the skillet with the chicken. Heat until all ingredients are mixed well, and cheese is melted. Remove from heat. Using a 9x13 in pan or casserole dish, layer ingredients. Add a small amount of chicken mixture to bottom of pan, then layer with tortillas, spreading the cut tortillas across the pan into a single layer. Continue to layer as follows: Tortillas, chicken mixture, cheese. Repeat layering until all ingredients have been used. Place dish into oven, and bake for 15-20 minutes, or until top cheese layer is melted and bubbly. Remove from oven and let dish rest for 5-10 minutes to allow the sauce to thicken. Serves 6-10 people.

Additions, Tips, and Alterations:
-If short on time, substitute canned chicken meat instead of fresh chicken breast. Simply drain any unwanted liquids from can, and add to saucepan with the other ingredients, heating the same way as above.
-To alter the thickness or 'juicy-ness' of the recipe, add more/less milk to the sauce mixture.
-If you don't want to alter the chicken mixture, simply double-layer the tortillas while building the casserole.
-I've started adding 1 cup frozen corn to the sauce mixture, to add more texture to the casserole, and increase my family's veggie intake. This recipe could also be quite tasty with bell peppers, onions, beans, or almost any other veggie you prefer!
-The chicken mixture seems to work best if the pieces of chicken are small, or even shredded. This prevents the casserole from being heavy on the chicken in some areas, while lacking in others.

If any of you have questions or additional tips for this recipe, please leave a comment below!

Recipes? We'll see about that.

I’m feeling a bit impatient today. And quite a bit exhausted as well. I had jury duty for the last week, and while it was much better than I thought it would be, and I was really interested in the whole legal process, it left me with very little energy by the end of the night. And since my dad STILL has not gotten his own car, (or his own apartment, for that matter), I’ve been having to wake up early to take him and Jorel to work each day. This does not make for a refreshed and energized Melanie. This makes for a very tired, and usually grumpy Melanie. Luckily I was only serving as an alternate to the official jurors, so there was no chance of the verdict being altered by my moods. 

Anyways. I was trying to update my blog, and since I don’t really have any original thoughts right now, I was just going to post some of my favorite recipes in the mean time. BUT, there seems to be something wrong with my Internet connection, or the Internet itself, or maybe its just God’s way of telling me to not post recipes right now. All I know is that every website I go to will only load about halfway (at best), and then it just stops progressing altogether. It remains with the never-ending revolving circle of loading death, and never finishes bringing up my webpage. This makes for a very unsuccessful blogging experience. So instead I'm typing in Microsoft word, because at least it’s working properly. What I'll do once I'm finished, I have no idea. Maybe try posting again. Maybe make some jewelry. Maybe I'll make some lunch, or clean my bedroom, or walk the dogs, or wallow in self-pity and do nothing for the rest of the day. Who knows? I just know that the world will be a slightly darker place without having seen my chicken enchilada casserole recipe. And you know what? We can blame the internet for that.

The Journey: Day 2

It's been a really tough week for me, and it's not even over yet. As some of you already know, my Aunt passed away on Tuesday. And as you might think, it's pretty much all I can think about. Her death was sudden, but at the same time, I knew it was coming. She had been struggling with alcoholism for several years, and it finally caught up to her. She went into the hospital about a month ago with liver and kidney failure. At the time, the doctors didn't know the severity of the situation, but regardless, I knew that she wouldn't last very long. I have been in a slow process of mourning ever since that original hospital stay occurred, but it did little to prepare me for the inevitable.

I am in mourning now, as you would think, but not for myself. I do miss my Aunt. She shared her birthday with me, her favorite football team was the same as mine, and I have countless found memories of her from my younger years. She was always joyful, always laughing, smiling, cracking jokes with the family. She was always the one who cheered loudest for my cousins- her sons- while at their sports games. I will miss her terribly, and our family will always feel the loss of her presence. But my mourning is not for my own loss. It is for the loss and hurting of the rest of my family. For my grandmother, who is now experiencing the first loss of a child. For my Uncle, who has lost his wife of 23 years. I mourn for my cousins, who have lost their mother. My youngest cousin is still in high school, and now will not have his mother at his graduation this summer. I mourn for my Aunt's family who, although I did not know them, I can only imagine the pain that they're feeling right now with the loss of their daughter, sister, granddaughter. I do not mourn for myself, but for all those around me right now who are hurting so deeply, and yet I can do nothing to take away their pain.

My Aunt's service will be on Monday, in her hometown in Washington. My family will be driving up there this weekend, and will be staying for as long as we can. Please, send your prayers to my family.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

The Journey: Day 1

This post was actually written two weeks ago, in a moment of clarity. Since then, I have been dragging my feet to edit and finally post it, for several menial reasons. I've finally finished it. Today's score is: 

Journaling: 1 

Satan-induced procrastination: 0

Let's hope it stays this way.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

I don’t even remember how long it’s been since I’ve done any journaling. This is evidenced by the fact that I have no current journals to write in, which is why I’m writing via the computer. I don’t know what I’m going to say, so forgive me if this is but random bits of nothingness. However, I am going to continue writing for as long as I have time, because I have a nagging feeling that Satan is trying to keep me from writing. Do I know why? Absolutely not. Do I have guesses? Of course I do. However, I will be avoiding speculation and focusing on the act of writing itself, to see what happens.

So far, I’ve been noticing that every time I decide to start writing, other things come up that ‘need’ to be done, like checking emails, browsing yahoo, talking to dad, planning my week. Plenty of things that truly do need to be done, but can wait until a later time to be accomplished. Currently, I have finished my tasks that really do need to be done in a timely manner, and now I have nothing else that is pressing into my writing time. Hopefully this will help keep me on track with this journal entry, even though the entry itself seems to have nothing of importance to write about.

I've learned from experience that lots of times, just the act of writing is the important part, and not the words or thoughts that I’ve expressed. I have no idea what to write about, and in the same moment, I have SO much to write about that I don’t even know where to begin. Perhaps I should start with where it all began, but even that path is muddled and unclear in its origins.

I tend to think that this path began about two months ago, when I met a woman named Lucy*. She attends my church, and she is the mother of one of my friends there. I met her one day, and though the event was nothing special, it prompted me to add her as a friend on Facebook. This then led to me finding a page that she created to promote her blog website, and on a whim, I decided to explore her blog. I read every entry she had posted so far, and I that same day I felt a pulling inside of me to start writing again, for myself. I didn’t know what I would write, I didn’t know how long the desire would last, and I definitely didn’t know what the outcome would be. But I sat by my window, watched the rain coming down in sheets, and the words started forming as quickly as the raindrops fell. I completed the ‘article’ of sorts, and immediately clicked over to my Facebook page. I fired off a quick posting about my recently completed works, citing Lucy for unknowingly inspiring me to write again. This post sparked a short conversation between Lucy and I, which then pushed me to creating a blog website of my own. Again, I didn’t know why I was doing it, what I would write about, or what the purpose of the endeavor was, but I knew it needed to be done, so I did it. In the following few days, I wrote a couple more articles, and each day I felt a freeing confidence I had never experienced before. It came with clicking the ‘Publish’ button when I finished an article, and I believe it stemmed from doing something that was of completely unknown motivation for me. I was doing these things, and writing these articles for reasons that I did not know, but somehow I knew that they were things that I was meant to be doing. It was completely unusual, totally out of character, and absolutely thrilling for me. My husband would come home each day, see the giant grin on my face and quickly come to the conclusion, 

“You wrote something today, didn’t you?” he would ask. I would just nod my head happily, and he would do the same, simply stating, 

“Good.” At the time, I confess, I was a bit put off at his seemingly disinterest in this new development for me. I mean, shouldn’t he have been as happy as I was? Shouldn’t he be proclaiming his joy and pride at my accomplishments? But I realize now, with more clarity than before- It was not disinterest he was showing. It was a quiet, peaceful confidence that what I was doing was exactly what I needed to be doing, and he had a simple kind of happiness about that.

But as confident as those days were, they were the only ones to come. I quickly fell away from writing, excusing myself from the new project by simply saying, “I have nothing to write about right now.” And this I know to be a lie. My life is not static. It is not stagnant; it is not a string of identical days without distinction, interest, or purpose. Each day there is always something new to write about, because there is simply always something new. Even if the things I write are not interesting to all people, or even to myself, I cannot excuse myself from this project by lying myself into believing that I have nothing to write about. There is, and always will be, something to write about. Everyday, for the rest of my days until I die, there will always be a reason to write. The journey is in finding those things to write about. This is Day 1.

²² "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

*Name has been changed*

Who Am I?

Recently a newly acquired friend was scrolling through my Facebook postings. We came across an article of sorts, in which I listed out several unknown or hidden aspects of my life, and my personality. This particular posting happens to be several years old, and I had completely forgotten that I'd even posted it, let alone the content and information I'd written. So with a slightly increased heartbeat, I went to the posting and read through it.

I quickly realized one thing: most of what I'd written back then was no longer true. Certain fears I had, and insecurities that I never thought I'd leave behind were now so far in the past that the idea of agonizing over these issues at all seemed completely foreign to me. And it got me thinking that maybe I should revise that post. After all, the person that my new friend had just read about was no longer the same person that I am today. Frankly, I'm surprised that she even recognized me as the same creation that I had been so long ago.

So now I've decided to fill you in on a few of the things that I know to be true of myself, the person I've grown to be over the years.

- I am a daughter of the Almighty God.
- I am still learning to understand what this means.
- I have come to recognize -and depend on- God's interventions in my life more now than I ever had before.
- I have had many hardships in my 22 years of living, some harder than others.
- I have learned what its like to grieve, and I've felt the hurt of losing someone I loved.
- I love the color green, but my favorite color scheme is brown, tan, teal, and turquoise.
- I have a hot temper, and a short fuse.
- I spend lots of time dreaming of what my life will be like in the years to come.
- I try not to sweat the small stuff, but I usually do.
- I can never quite figure out where I belong, or what my contributions are.
- I am definitely an animal person.
- I don't regret things, even some of my biggest mistakes. Because regretting means not learning, and not learning means I might make that mistake again.
- It takes me a long time to forgive people. Myself included.
- I don't really know what it is that makes people like me.
- I HATE being lied to. I hate finding out that some thing-or someone- I thought was true, is actually a lie.
- However, I still believe that people can be honest without being unnecessarily hurtful.
- I tend to be a very pessimistic person, and its hard for me to look on the bright side.
- I have an amazing husband who complements me more than I thought possible.
- I am a bit OCD sometimes.
- I love lists. They make me feel secure.
- I follow my Dad's advice: Its better to do things right the first time, even if it takes a bit longer to do it.
- I believe that puzzles help me make sense of the world.
- I am slowly realizing the creative potential that I possess, and that it's OK for me to not be a painter, actor, singer, potter, sculptor, sketch artist, or master costume maker like my siblings.
- I am currently a housewife. Someday I hope to be a stay at home mother, as well.
- I am slightly scared of having children. And I'm terrified of the possibility of being unable to conceive.
- I make a lot of the mistakes of my parents. This scares and frustrates me.
- I feel complete when I am at the ocean, or in the mountains.
- I will be a marine biologist someday.
- I have a bucket list. It isn't complete yet.
- I am still learning who I am, and where my life is going to go.

As you can tell, this is a pretty sizeable list. However, it is in no way extensive, and there are still many more areas of myself that haven't been expressed here. Some of them I haven't discovered yet, some of them I still don't fully understand. I may never understand everything about myself. However, I take solace in knowing that there's someone else who DOES know all of me, and understands every single piece. It is encouraging and strengthening to know that my God knows me in ways that no one else could even fathom. I don't have to explain myself to him, because he knows already. This makes my uncertainty so much easier to handle. I am still learning about who I am, and why I think, feel, say, and do the things I do. But I'm lucky enough to have a Redeemer who already knows the answers to my questions.

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb." Jeremiah 1:5

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

Fear or Faith?

How can we tell if what we're experiencing is an abundance of fear, or a lack of faith?

Personally, I don't know that I've been able to answer that question yet. I feel as though I'm right on the verge, right on the edge of understanding, but I'm just not quite there yet.

Recently, I felt a push to volunteer with the Children's Ministry at my church. I went to the Ministry Fair, spoke with a few people from the First Impressions Team, the Worship Team, the Children's Ministry Team, and by the end of the event, I knew that I was being led towards the Children's Ministry. I don't know exactly why I felt the pull for that particular group, but I filled out the application anyway. 

My plan was to work with the babies. What could go wrong? Who wouldn't want to spend the morning cuddling and loving on newborns? It sounded great to me. 

I was approached by one of the leaders a few weeks later, and they were offering me a position elsewhere. Two and three year-olds. They want me to work with the toddlers. Inherently, there isn't anything wrong with that idea. Toddlers are adorable, they're hilarious, and I'm sure that each one of them has a lot that they can teach us adults. But the idea of leading a story-time in front of a bunch of over-active children sends me into a slight panic. 

I have a hard enough time talking in front of groups of people my own age, without adding into it the necessity of goofing around, adding in silly voices, and generally making myself look a bit less-than-sane for the sake of maintaining the attention of these children. Just the thought of it makes me queasy. I still have yet to give an answer to the leader who approached me.

And this is where my previous question comes into play: How do I know if my reluctance to help out in this area is coming from a lack of faith? 

I was completely willing-and joyful, even-to help in the Children's Ministry when I thought that I could work with the newborns. I had no second guesses, no moments of panic, when the ideas and choices were my own, and were within the realm of my comfort zone. But now that I've been nudged in a slightly different direction, I can't seem to commit to it any longer. 

Is my reluctance based on an understandable apprehension about my capabilities of working with toddlers? Is it not, in fact, a total lack of faith in the direction that God is guiding me towards? 

I could give a dozen different excuses, each more valid than the last, as to why I am currently unfit for the position of leading the toddler group at my church. But the amount I offer doesn't change the fact that they are all still excuses. None of them are actually valid reasons for why I should not trust in God's calling, and follow after him with faith and confidence in His ability to guide me. Because the truth is, there are no valid reasons. 

Do I trust my God? Yes. 
Do I believe that what He has planned for me is nothing short of the best? Yes. 
Do I know deep down that His strength is sufficient in my weakness, and that He can overcome anything? Yes.

So then after this, I have no reason, no logic, to excuse me from following after Him, and allowing Him to use me in ways that I could never allow for myself. Because I know that no matter how unfit I am, my God is strong enough to overcome. And no matter how nervous, and even scared, I could be, I have faith that God will guide every action. And I know that in the end, He will have used this opportunity and this call of faith as a reminder to me of His glory, and His power. Nothing I do while I am with those toddlers will actually be my own. It will all be His.

And that is faith stronger than even my worst fears.

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise- in God I trust and am not afraid. Psalm 56:3-4

Your turn: When have you decided to forsake fear, and have faith instead? What was the outcome?